Sunday, March 31, 2013

Pony Therapy


I'm starting to get back into a routine, first week of school back is done and under my belt, I presented a speech and got an A on it, I'm satisfied.  Started a short course, Equine Industry Seminar, that I think it going to be neat.

Right now, as it was before, the happiest times, when I'm able to let it all go and not think about stresses, obligations, to-do lists... is when I'm at the barn.  Last Wednesday my cousin stopped by with her two kiddos (she has a 2.5 year old boy who is TOO cute!) and we moseyed out to the barn after lunch.  I took Shadow out for a beautiful jog down the road, he was so good.  Which on another note, I'm acquiring a 2-wheeled cart for him soon, so excited! I'll tell you more when I get it!

I got Cash out, I hadn't done anything with him in a week, and he was full of it, spent the first 10 minutes on the lunge tearing around, spooking, bucking, farting, kicking.  I made the comment to my cousin "And this is why I'm not riding him today!" Once he wore himself out he trotted and cantered around like an old pro.  He's looking super sound right now, I'm so happy, I think I've finally figured out his front feet and where they need to be at to keep him sound.

I didn't get to do anything more with Cash until yesterday, but by the time I got there it was starting to rain, so I managed 5 minutes on the lunge line before we got rained out.  I'll try and ride him today.

In non-horse world... meh. It's going? I've majorly re-arranged my room, have just about flipped the rest of the house upside down with cleaning.  The garage is next... that's going to be a chore.  I picked out a lot of my husband's t-shirts to wear myself, they are a little loose but fit alright still.  They are comfy, it makes me feel like he's hugging me or something. 
We did set up the crib for the baby! She finally outgrew
the cradle.  She is 5.5 months now, and looks so small in here!

Well, off to go run errands, hoping I'll be able to get to the barn today and actually ride Cash. Maybe he'll be sane!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013



Some times, some days, it feels like things are spinning hopelessly away from me.  It feels as though life is hurtling forward at alarming speed, dragging me along for the ride.  That no matter how hard I try to make things slow down, try to wrestle back control, it continues along.  Like an injured aircraft fighter, spinning out of control, plummeting towards the ground with no hope of pulling out of it.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning, re-organizing, and re-arranging of the house.  I have to make room for the crib for the baby, she is quickly outgrowing her cradle.  So, lots of things have to move and find new homes.  I packed up all my husband's clothes the other day... underwear and all.  I couldn't throw or give any of it away, it just seemed like it would be... well, it just wasn't an option.  Not yet.

I'm back to school this week, and have to return to work on the 4th.  I'm dreading that....

I wish I could take a very very long vacation.  I'm going the weekend after Easter to a good friend's wedding.  It will be refreshing I think.  But man, trying to sort out finances, apply for aid programs, it's daunting, and overwhelming.  Everything seems overwhelming right now.  Being a single mom is no fun.... :(

It snowed pretty good over the weekend so I haven't gotten out to the barn, I will be going out tomorrow to play with the pony and hopefully Cash too.  Still working on finalizing a lease, I'm crossing my fingers there won't be any problems with that.  But, in the event a lease doesn't work out, I have two people offering to take him for me to keep/ride for awhile until I can (attempt to) get back on my feet. We'll see how it goes.

I can't wait until this is all a long, distant memory. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Thank you


Wow. Just wow, I don't know what to say.  All the comments and well wishes on my last post.  I kept getting email notifications on my phone and it was just one comment after another.  Thank you.

Things are starting to settle down, the less urgent things like bank accounts and whatnot are mostly what I have left to do.

Then I get to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.  The gravity of it all is starting to settle on me, the fact that life in a split instant was radically and permanently changed.  And it's overwhelming.  Trying to sort through emotions is a whole 'nother ball game... sorrow, guilt, confusion, pain... it hits me the hardest at night when I go to bed and he's not there beside me.

The hardest is dealing with the "why" .....

I went to the barn today to just be there for the first time since it happened.  I worked with Cash in the round pen, played beauty parlor a bit (man, he hates having his mane combed!), and just hung out with him.  It was relaxing.  My mom and I are going to take the two lesson horses out for a trail ride tomorrow.

Just one day at a time.

Friday, March 15, 2013

In Loving Memory


On March 9th, 2013 at 8:12am my husband took his own life and went home to be with our Lord.  The past week has been the longest week of my life, I feel like it has been an eternity.  We held his Memorial Service this afternoon and it was simply beautiful.  It all came together and I couldn't have asked for it to be better.  I have been surrounded by family and friends since this happened.  The outpouring of support has been overwhelming.  This has been very hard to take, and we are all having a rough time.  Now it's time to pick up the pieces and move on, but how?  I hardly know where to start.  My only solace is knowing that he is no longer in pain.

"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4:7

God, I miss him so much.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

A nightmare you can't wake up from


Since Saturday morning my life has been hell.  And it just seems to keep getting worse.  I want to wake up, I want this to all go away.  I want it to go back to how it was.  All that goes through my head is "God, why??"

No, everything is not ok in my world right now...

The only glimmer of hope is that I have found someone to lease Cash.... though it seems trivial and insignificant now.

I'm just clinging to this song right now, praying that I will eventually find peace.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

When Nothing Seems Real


The last 30 hours have been nothing short of surreal for me... it's been an experience I pray that nobody ever, ever has to go through.  I just feel numb.

So please, if you are a praying person, my family could use your prayers.

Thank you,

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Who needs humans


I had something happen that I've never had happen before.  When I got to the barn Tuesday I got Shadow out just to do some ground driving work with him.  So I got him ready, walked into the arena and turned around to shut the gate.  I needed both hands so I let go of him for a brief second and he took this as a cue to leave....

However, instead of relishing in his newly found freedom, he simply trotted smartly off and, much to my surprise (and eventual delight!), proceeded to trot laps around the arena for about the next ten minutes!  And it wasn't even a crazy trot--it was a nice, steady, relaxed yet forward working trot.  He marched straight down the long sides, went into all his corners, even went over the ground pole at one end of the arena... around and around.  He then changed direction and went back for more laps the other way!  All without ever breaking pace.  He was working.  Without me!  Since he wasn't being crazy, or stupid, but doing what he knew to do, I just stood in the middle of the arena with a silly smile on my face and watched him go around.

After he was done we then worked together as a team for a bit, focusing on getting him to relax at the base of his neck.  He was a super good boy!

I'm still giggling though about his decision to start without me. I guess I just wasn't fast enough for him. Most horses, if they discover they are free, the response is "Yeehaw, woohoo, freeeeedoommm!!" Never, ever, have I had a horse get loose and just go to work like that, all on their own.

All I can say is, what a good pony!!!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Cookie Therapy


Yes, Cookie Therapy, otherwise known a bribery.... haha!!

So far, it's working.  Whenever I go to catch Cash, or do anything with him now, I go armed with a pocket stuffed full of treats.  Thank God for the 50lb bag of horse cookies that only costs $10... otherwise I'd go broke doing this.  He still won't let me step up to his shoulder to put the rope over his neck to catch him.  So bizare.  He is getting turned out with a turnout halter and I can walk up to him, give him cookies, and grab the halter without much fuss--then I move to his shoulder and put the rope over his neck and then clip it to the halter.  I still don't know that I could catch him without the halter on.  It's just so bizare.  I need to get the vet out to check his teeth, I have a sneaking suspision that might be causing some issues.

That said, I actually rode Cash TWO DAYS IN A ROW.  [basks in heavenly glow from above]

The first ride, on Friday, lasted a whole of 5 minutes before the baby started crying and I had to cut my ride short to go attend to her.  We didn't really get anywhere except walking a bit and trotting about 3 circles. Ha! Oh well, at least I got in the saddle.

Yesterday the ride was only about 10, 15 minutes at the most as we spent most of the day doing Church activities and by the time I got to the barn it was almost 5 so I didn't have much daylight left.  I worked with Shadow and then by the time I got to Cash the sun was setting, a quick lunge (and more cookie therapy in the scary end of the arena--which, works really well by the way!), I hopped on him.  By now it was quite dark so all we did was walk, we focused on going forward, bending, turning off the outside aids, moving laterally off the inside leg (his baby leg yeild is definitely lacking in the hind end department, but the idea is there!), going on the contact and then doing a stretchy free walk.

And boy, can this horse stretch!!!

Is there such a thing as too much stretch? He practically plants his nose in the dirt.  I don't want to tell him no because I don't ever want to hinder a horse's desire to stretch, but my word, I worry that he is going to trip over his own nose.

Otherwise, he felt great.  He's regained his soundness after pulling his shoes and he just feels so fluid and smooth under saddle.  Now, I can't wait for Daylight Savings Time to get here so that I can have more daylight and hopefully be able to spend more time at the barn, horray!

Then, with Shadow, as I mentioned above, I worked with him yesterday.  We got all the boards removed from the cart as they were insecure and would bounce around making the most horrid rattling noise which was quite unnerving to the pony.  Today we had him pull the cart around without the boards and what a difference, he was much more relaxed and what clanging there was, he walked through it with only minimal tension. Good pony!! The cart is still a work in progress, I can't wait till all the little things get fixed on it so that we can actually get in it.  In the mean time, just leading him around in it is going to be the best for him, he needs to be 100% relaxed with it before I even think of getting into the driver's seat. Can't wait!